….what’s the point really? You give everything you can to those you love. You give your time, your ear, your shoulder, your support, your advice, your love. Then what happens? The very people you put everything on the line for begin to turn on you, in one way or another.
Please don’t misunderstand what I am saying. This is not a self-pity blog. Believe me, I have thrown myself MANY pity parties in my lifetime, but those days are behind me now. I wake up every morning & the first thing I think, well after the “ugh, it’s early, I’m still tired” is how incredibly grateful I am to have in fact woken up that morning. It may have been a difficult lesson to learn, but it is one that I feel strongly about & work on daily.
I have made it very clear in this blog that I am firmly against drug abuse, both legal & illegal. I don’t hide that fact from anyone who knows me. There are many reasons for that. I grew up surrounded by addicts, I have worked & lived in the music industry since I was 18 years old, which has a far too high concentration of addicts in its midst. I struggled as a teenager, with so many things & did try to see if drugs & alcohol could take away the constant pain I was in. I feel blessed & incredibly lucky that these things did not in fact make anything better or go away. In fact, I OD’d at the age of 17. I consider this experience to be the moment that saved my life. Trust me, keeping myself alive that night when everyone around me refused to take me to a hospital was one of the top 3 hardest things I have ever experienced. At the same time, it started a completely different spiral for me. That fight caused my anxiety problem to take over my entire life for the better part of 20 years after that night. I still struggle with anxiety, fear & panic, but now I fight harder, I do more to keep myself calm, I work very hard not to think so much.
Every now & then, in this new blog, I share glimpses into my life. I think it helps anyone reading this to get a slight picture of me, where I’m coming from & why I am as passionate as I am regarding the things I write about. It’s funny that I keep so much of myself inside, because I’ve been told many times by people in my life that I talk way too much. I don’t think they realize this, but that actually hurts my feelings A LOT & makes me want to just keep my thoughts to myself, which is where this blog helps me. If the people who say they love me feel I am too intense, too overwhelming…well, they no longer need to worry about that. My feelings will now be just that, MY feelings. I have no intention of sharing any feelings with anyone that I am not asked to speak on. My answers will also be brief & to the point. I can no longer take having all my flaws shoved in my face on such a regular basis. Do these people really think that I am not aware of my issues & my shortcomings? PLEASE! I remind myself constantly, which is another issue I’m working on.
Back to my original thought. I am the person that is there if a friend or family member is in need, wants advice or just someone to listen to them vent about an issue they’re having. I care so deeply for the people I have chosen to have in my life & when they need me, I’m there, no questions asked.
I mentioned my closest girlfriend in a recent blog. She is struggling with prescription drug addiction. I have made myself completely available to her, when she needs to talk, if she needs help at her house, when she needs to cry about where her life went & how she got where she is. I have also been her 17-year-old daughters confidant, letting her vent her fears & frustrations towards her mother to be. I mostly listen, but do at times offer advice. I have also suggested that we form a united front against her mother’s illness & help get her out, as it is something that she wants & is ready to do.
I have found out in the past couple days that I have been utterly & completely betrayed by the daughter. I have been used, I have been lied to, my words have been twisted around to make me out to be a villain. I’m not even sure if I am in touch with my feelings over this. I have loved & cared for this girl for 17 years. I always thought we had a special bond. My heart is beyond broken, it is shattered. Yet at the same time, I am furious. I don’t want to be in her presence & when I am I can barely talk to her, if at all. Her mother, my friend, has asked me not to confront her, but to help HER help her daughter. I can NOT help this girl if what she has done is not confronted & dealt with first. I know they are mother & daughter & am WAY too reminded that this is a bond that I can’t possibly understand as I am not a parent myself. That in itself is a painful dig, as most who know me realize I would love to be or have been a mother.
If I’m going to be completely honest, with what I am witnessing, I see a long & difficult road ahead, full of pain. I fear I will be pushed away, cut off, tossed aside, disposed of. Why do I give SO much of myself to people who just take it & continue to make me their scapegoat. I have been stuck wearing this title with both my family & friends my entire life. It’s a title I do not deserve & quite honestly, it’s one I done allowing to be. I am not everybody’s bad guy.
I will continue to focus on my goal of drawing attention to the sickness of the publics obsession with celebrity, the lack of REAL news, no political accountability & flashing a HUGE spotlight on drug addiction! These are the things & the people I feel could use the love & support I have to give. This statement in no ways implies that I am soft or any sort of pushover. I am a street wise girl from Detroit. Not much shocks me anymore & it is nearly impossible to get over on me, except in the case of a certain 17 year old girl.
I don’t know what to do about the situation, but I can say that the door is closing & I don’t know if it can be reopened with her if major changes aren’t made IMMEDIATELY!