The idea of dating in Los Angeles fills me with dread. When I first began considering a move here, there was an emotional motive behind it. My initial plan was largely based around rekindling a relationship with someone who lived here. 11 months ago today all my plans were changed when he passed away & yet I still made the choice to move here. Something in me decided that moving here was still a good idea. For the most part, I am happy with my choice, except when it comes to the idea of meeting & connecting with someone.
I went on a (kind of, but I wouldn’t have called it that) date for the first time in over a year last weekend. I must say I was NOT at my best. None of my wit, humor or outward personality was showing. I found myself really starting to like him & that freaked me out a LOT. He was attractive, funny, engaging & good with the eye contact, which was a bit intense for me at times. I found myself feeling a little intimidated by him even. I’m sure this guy was not only bored out of his mind, but also asking himself how he could remove himself from the situation as quickly as possible. I don’t blame him. While I really enjoyed talking to him, I was mortified by my shyness, mainly because I am not a shy person, but occasionally I find myself reacting this way towards guys I’m digging. There were so many thoughts running through my head, but I couldn’t put them into words, even when he asked me what was on my mind. Every time he leaned towards me my hands began to sweat & I got a little tingly. That would have been cool if I hadn’t retreated into myself as much as I did. Needless to say, I haven’t really talked to him since & I am by no means surprised, nor do I have any animosity for the guy. He’s a busy person anyway & I highly doubt I made a good first impression. Oh well.
As Valentine’s Day creeps up on me I am doing everything I can to fill every moment of that day so it doesn’t affect me. I truly dislike that stupid so-called holiday. Why are people so easy to manipulate? Think about it, a greeting card company needed a gimmick in order to make money during the mid-winter lull, so they come up with this day of planned romance. Isn’t it supposed to be more spontaneous? Why flowers, cards & chocolate? Who knows, maybe I feel that way because I am single, but honestly I don’t think so. Even times when I was in a relationship during this time of year I didn’t find myself all caught up in the idea of the day. I prefer to be loving & somewhat romantic on a regular basis. I like the idea of a card just because, for no real reason other than to say “hey, you’re cool, I dig you”. Whatever, I’m rambling now.
I am still optimistic about the idea of feeling real, lasting & mutual love. I have to be. I firmly believe that we are the masters of our own destiny. If we believe bad things are going to happen to us, they will. This works both ways. My choice is to be positive & optimistic. What can I say, I’m a woman. I like the idea of looking into a mans eyes & feeling butterflies in my stomach. I like the idea of lying on a sofa watching a movie with someone, talking about anything, laughing & all the other fun stuff that goes along with sharing time with someone.
Leela James did a cover of the Foreigner song “I Wanna Know What Love Is” & whenever it comes up on my iPod it brings me to tears. I can relate so much to the emotion in her voice; it expresses what I’m going through so completely. Sometimes being a woman really sucks! If a man speaks up about wanting to find love, he is seen as a wonderful & romantic guy. If a woman speaks up about wanting to find love, she is seen as desperate & needy. Why is that? I am not a fan of double standards. I am also extremely tired of hiding my true desires behind my defensive walls. Why can’t we just be totally honest with what we want in our lives? Why is the idea of a woman who knows what she wants so frightening to men? I am tired of pretending that I don’t yearn for love. I just don’t see what is so wrong with it. Don’t misunderstand me; I really am fine with myself. I have no problem with being by myself, or spending time alone. I quite enjoy it, actually. That being said, I still would prefer to share my life with a man who is open to finding love himself.
Blah, blah, blah……man, I need to find a tour to distract myself from all this damn thinking! Or maybe I should just do what so many people out here seem to do to fill this hole & get a pet or four…..hmm