Beautiful Disaster

I heard this song for the first time tonight & it really touched me on a personal level. This does happen to me all the time, I must admit, but that is due to the fact that music plays an extremely important role in my life.

It’s hard to admit that I would prefer to be in a relationship if given the choice. The issues that I have with it are many, but not the ones a person would generally think of. Let me break it down for you.

  • I have never looked for or even felt the need to seek out a relationship. It’s just not how I’m wired.
  • I am not a 25 year old girl anymore, hell, I’m not even a 35 year old girl anymore. Most guys my age want their women young, so they can feel younger, vibrant, desired or whatever other reason they come up with. (babies)
  • I understand what it feels like to not be seen as “beautiful” in a traditional sense, or by the standards society forces upon us. I am unique. I am quirky. I am not a “pretty girl”, but oh, how I’d LOVE to find a man who thinks I am.

I am mortified of the pain that often accompanies opening your heart to someone. I am by no means alone in this fear or the feeling. I have been cheated on, emotionally abused & even had a lover die. The pain of these losses & betrayals was almost enough to close down my heart forever, but as you know by now, I’m far too optimistic to allow myself to give up completely. That being said, I’m not one to try.

Recently, I met someone that I am interested in getting to know better. I have even made an actual effort to contact him & let him know I like him. Maybe one of the reasons I like him so much is that he is too busy to even hang out with me. It’s safer if it never actually happens, right? Strange thing is…..I actually want to spend time with this guy & get to know him. I want to see if there really is something between us. I want to try. I’m not used to this at all, but this time, it’s not up to me.

We’ll see….


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Filed under Dating, Life, Music, Real Life, Relationships, Single Life, Writing

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