Last of me

Things have been not been easy for me most of my life, so I’m used to struggling & focusing on survival, but I believe that I am in the midst of the greatest & most challenging fight of my life at the moment. I’m not afraid, I’m a fighter & I ALWAYS get up when I fall or get knocked down.

As I struggle to release myself from the grips of Zoloft, it has been a very difficult process. With every day that passes I realize that I can not & hopefully will not ever poison my body with psychotropic drugs again! What a nightmare experience this has been. All I wanted was to feel better, not feel like I was losing my mind, allowing my entire life to nearly be destroyed beyond repair, have friends who have had to cut me out of their lives until I can get away from this nightmare, tarnishing my hard earned reputation, being deemed unemployable in my industry… breaks my heart.

Today I began dropping my daily dosage to 25mg. I started at 100mg, which as I mentioned in an earlier blog, was bumped up from 50mg after a year because it had stopped working effectively. I realize now that this drug never really helped me, in fact, it stole my personality, my creativity, my energy, my soul, the entire time I have taken it. Tapering off is always the best idea with these drugs, but I can’t lie, all I want to do is throw the rest of what I have in the trash & battle the extreme withdrawal symptoms. That is a stupid idea, so instead I fight to taper off slowly. I have done a 50% drop in dosage every ten days. So far, I’m not struggling with the severe side effects, but I am aware that some form of hell awaits me 1o days from now when I stop taking them completely. I don’t care! As you can tell, I’m counting the days & will have some sort of a celebration when this is behind me.

The video I posted at the top of this blog is a song by Cher that just BLEW ME AWAY when I heard it for the first time about a half hour ago. Going through this tough time, I admit I spend a lot of time at home, alone. I don’t want to subject people to my mood swings & exhaustion. Besides, I don’t really have the money necessary to go out regularly. Anyway, I digress. As I was sitting home tonight, I watched two movies, back to back. First up was Megamind. I am pretty sure that I avoided watching this movie for so long for one specific reason…it reminds me of the event I coordinated when I first moved to Los Angeles for a new job that I was SO excited for. As most of my readers know, I have lost that job, have had a difficult time recovering from that loss & have also not been able to find steady employment since. I am glad that I finally broke down & watched it, because it was a really wonderful movie! What can I say, I still dig a good animated flick.

Second on my list tonight was Burlesque. I never really wanted to see this movie, because it appeared to be a bit of a rip off of a few other musical films that have come along in the past 10 or so years. I was right in my assumption. This movie is basically just a mix of Showgirls, Cabaret (including a role played by Alan Cumming, from an excellent Broadway revival in 1998) & Chicago. It’s a cheesy movie, indeed, but I have to admit that I don’t hate it. The funny thing is, as soon as this number was halfway through, as I was crying from the emotion that it brought up in me, I paused the movie, grabbed my laptop & began to write. This song inspired me, it reminded me that I may be down, but am by no means out! I just had to get these words out of my head, had to express myself creatively, as a reminder to myself that I do, in fact, still have some sort of talent & that I MUST continue to follow my dream, no matter the cost. So I write.

I realize that my move to Los Angeles was not an easy one. I took a huge risk in walking away from my comfort zone to pursue my passion. I have many times considered packing it in & moving back to Detroit. Every time that happens though, I am reminded why I came here, what is NOT waiting for me back in Detroit & what I must do to look myself in the mirror every day. I have to stay. I have to fight. I have to succeed. I’ll never forgive myself if I just give this up, like I’ve with most other things in my life so far. Now is the time to break that cycle & tap into my drive, my motivation, my desire & need to create art, in whatever form it comes out of me. I need to finish what I started for once in my life.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say, in a VERY roundabout & scattered way is……

…….You haven’t seen the last of me!


Leave a comment

Filed under Blogging, Life, Music, Opinions, Real Life, Writing

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s