Hamster Wheel

“Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.”
~Oscar Wilde

The words of Oscar Wilde seem to speak so directly to me in whatever situation I find myself in. Who knows, maybe if I spent more time writing down my own words I wouldn’t rely so heavily on others.

I’m sure it’s quite obvious to whoever is left reading this that I have been going yet ANOTHER major life change, several in fact. I realized yesterday that I haven’t written a new blog post since August. That’s a pretty big stretch for me & explains a lot about why I have been feeling stifled yet again. I seem to get so caught up in whatever bullshit drama I create for myself that I lose my creative drive & focus. I just give up, all over again…& again & again.

In the eyes of many, coming home to Detroit after not trying nearly enough in Los Angeles, I did not fail. Ask me if I feel that I failed & I will say yes. Why? Because I never really fought. I just gave in, crumbled, fell apart, gave in to the negative recordings in my head that tell me I have no creative talent, I will never amount to whatever pipe dream fantasy I have been living in for as long as I can remember, I am not the “Hollywood Type”, that I don’t deserve it, that I’m not good enough. Who knows what the truth is….surely not me. 

I was never one of those kids who was told I could do or be anything I wanted. Honestly, I wasn’t told much at all in the way of inspiration, support or guidance. I realize now that my parents weren’t equipped to tell themselves these things, let alone me. There is no fault here, even though for decades I set it squarely on their shoulders. When you stop to think about the damage we gain as broken children…yeah, our families & environment played a large part in shaping who we are today, but really…who carries on the negative reinforcement? We do. We tell ourselves we aren’t good enough. We set ourselves up to fail, repeatedly. We sabotage anything good that comes our way. We do all the real, long term damage. If we are all truly in control of our own destinies, then why are we all so busy blaming everyone & everything else for our problems, shortcomings & emotional damage?

So, here I sit, freezing my ass off, asking myself what I could have done differently to have endured Los Angeles. The answer is pretty simple…nothing. I wasn’t capable of saving myself from complete destruction. I have no idea how, not in that environment. It was the first time in my life where I found myself in a place & a situation that I couldn’t overcome, at least enough to move on to the next mistake. I even found myself convinced that if I didn’t get out of there when I did that I would die. I believe that to be true, but not necessarily in a literal sense, more metaphorically speaking. Who I am would have died, my faith in me, my fight, my essence, not my actual body….but who knows, maybe I was even closer to real death than I realized at the time. Getting jumped/robbed/beat up didn’t help my disposition much either. Funny thing about that entire experience & my eventual & inevitible exodus is that I miss that place every single day since I boarded the plane to leave. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll go back & try it all over again.

Now that I have been back in Detroit for a few months one thing is clear. From the first time I moved out of here, I have never really wanted to live here. I do love it & all the people who possess space in my heart, but the idea & practice of me living in this place feels like purgatory to my soul. I just don’t feel what I used to & so many others still do here. I just don’t care. I know now that there is a whole world out there to explore & experience. I am a restless soul & of all places to sit still, I never thought Detroit would be where I found myself once again. Sure, there are good & wonderful things that have happened since my most recent return, there always are. Sadly, the inevitable negatives at the very least equal the good, as they always do.

What can I say? I know my imagination & dreaming sharply contrast my ability & drive. Who doesn’t think they are meant for something greater than the life they are living? Please! I am pretty sure most people convince themselves of that just so they can survive their mundane existence. 

What am I really trying to say in this post? SO much….much more than I have the energy for & too many topics to post at once, sadly. If I continue, this will read like some simplistic high school diary post. 

Change is inevitible & a vital part of the life cycle…..but I’m tired.


In my next post….the 5lb puppy who awakened my heart & facing a possible cancer diagnosis.


1 Comment

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One response to “Hamster Wheel

  1. I think you should take the ‘you’re not the Hollywood type’ comment as a compliment – I’ve never been there but I remember Jordan described it as a portal of hell and whenever my pretty grounded friend returns from a stint there, she’s into $100 eyelash extensions and eyebrow plucking, because apparently “it’s all about the curve in LA”. I think you did really well lasting as long as you did, because you had some truly terrible times out there. Maybe you’ll go out there again at some point or maybe not. I think it can be a great place, but I’m not sure that it’s a very emotionally healthy place to be. You’re way too hard on yourself too! I am also guilty of this and keep telling myself to ease up, but it’s hard, because all the negative thought patterns appear again. I think I’m better than I was, but it’s still an issue and I like you, had parents who weren’t bad, they just weren’t equipped for kids and the emotional parenting required to raise a happy, healthy child. It’s easy to say we are in charge of our destinies and to stop blaming others etc, but basically the damage IS done as a child if there isn’t sufficient stability, love and affection – practically all our thought and behaviour patterns are learned and imprinted in our psyche when we’re children, so undoing them as adults is very very hard.
    As for finding your true home, I guess sometimes we carry the idea of home within us and other times it’s a specific place. You returned to Detroit for some peace and kindness with people you know after your wings were burnt in LA and after a while, you’ll be ready to fly again (or hit the road, whatever takes your fancy).

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