Dirty Laundry

I’ve given this blog post more thought than I have most that have come before it. I made a declaration that I would air all the wrongs I had done to others today, but the more I think on it, the more I don’t feel right about putting all that negativity out into the universe. Would it give me back the power over my own life, knowing that if I type it all out here, no one has anything negative over my head to threaten me with? Yes, but at what cost? The conclusion that I have come to is that I don’t think I am willing to compromise the person I am today by continuing to do nothing but look back over my shoulder. If you are constantly looking backward, you are unable to focus on your path or even see where you are at any given moment.

I did what I said I would do. I wrote down, on paper to the best of my memory, every bad thing I have done to anyone I have hurt in my life. Sadly, the list is a long one. I am not proud of that fact.

There is only one thing that could be considered “wrong” in the eyes of others that I do not regret on that list & that person knows what it is & who they are. Unfortunately, in times of desperation, you do what you have to do in order to get away from & end a toxic relationship. Sometimes you have to do the one thing you know for a fact will cause that person to no longer want anything to do with you. It still sucks, but I did what I had to do.

To those that loved, cared about & trusted me who I have done wrong…I sincerely apologize for taking your kindness & betraying you. There is nothing I can do or say to take back a single bad action in my life. I don’t expect anyone to forgive me for these betrayals, but I must, just as you are, move on & live my life. In the majority of these cases, that life does not & will not be included with those who will not be mentioned, as is best for all involved. Contrary to certain popular belief, I am allowed to do this. I will not end my life to satisfy the grudge of another. I will not dig myself a hole & hide in it. I will do my best every day that I am blessed to open my eyes to make it a better one than the day before. I will continue to follow my dreams & make the project I’ve worked so hard on & put my entire soul into a reality. I will learn to forgive & love myself…again. At the end of the day, all I have is me.

So…my decision is this….

I will not publicly humiliate myself for the pleasure of others. I am not my past actions!

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Dirty Laundry

  1. We are all our past actions, both good and bad–but that doesn’t mean we are not redeemable. We are human, some of us have fucked up far more than others, some to greater degrees. All I know is that, from my perspective, you helped me when I had absolutely no one else to turn to, Jenn. You were my guardian angel, and I mean that. When I think back in the hell that my life was between July 2007 and January 2009, you are one of the few lone points of true, unmitigated light in my life. I will never forget your kindness during those dark times. I just want you to remember that, regardless of what wrongs others may feel you have done them, you also did things that were so so right, so beautiful and selfless.

    Take care of yourself. Keep going. Remember that kindness is always all of our greatest asset.

  2. The only thing I can say is thank you, because I am still learning that the bad stuff isn’t always easier to believe! As far as being there for you during your down days….I would do it all over again, if you needed.
    Oh yeah & thanks for making me smile with your words…smiling is fun!

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