Category Archives: Music

Last of me

Things have been not been easy for me most of my life, so I’m used to struggling & focusing on survival, but I believe that I am in the midst of the greatest & most challenging fight of my life at the moment. I’m not afraid, I’m a fighter & I ALWAYS get up when I fall or get knocked down.

As I struggle to release myself from the grips of Zoloft, it has been a very difficult process. With every day that passes I realize that I can not & hopefully will not ever poison my body with psychotropic drugs again! What a nightmare experience this has been. All I wanted was to feel better, not feel like I was losing my mind, allowing my entire life to nearly be destroyed beyond repair, have friends who have had to cut me out of their lives until I can get away from this nightmare, tarnishing my hard earned reputation, being deemed unemployable in my industry… breaks my heart.

Today I began dropping my daily dosage to 25mg. I started at 100mg, which as I mentioned in an earlier blog, was bumped up from 50mg after a year because it had stopped working effectively. I realize now that this drug never really helped me, in fact, it stole my personality, my creativity, my energy, my soul, the entire time I have taken it. Tapering off is always the best idea with these drugs, but I can’t lie, all I want to do is throw the rest of what I have in the trash & battle the extreme withdrawal symptoms. That is a stupid idea, so instead I fight to taper off slowly. I have done a 50% drop in dosage every ten days. So far, I’m not struggling with the severe side effects, but I am aware that some form of hell awaits me 1o days from now when I stop taking them completely. I don’t care! As you can tell, I’m counting the days & will have some sort of a celebration when this is behind me.

The video I posted at the top of this blog is a song by Cher that just BLEW ME AWAY when I heard it for the first time about a half hour ago. Going through this tough time, I admit I spend a lot of time at home, alone. I don’t want to subject people to my mood swings & exhaustion. Besides, I don’t really have the money necessary to go out regularly. Anyway, I digress. As I was sitting home tonight, I watched two movies, back to back. First up was Megamind. I am pretty sure that I avoided watching this movie for so long for one specific reason…it reminds me of the event I coordinated when I first moved to Los Angeles for a new job that I was SO excited for. As most of my readers know, I have lost that job, have had a difficult time recovering from that loss & have also not been able to find steady employment since. I am glad that I finally broke down & watched it, because it was a really wonderful movie! What can I say, I still dig a good animated flick.

Second on my list tonight was Burlesque. I never really wanted to see this movie, because it appeared to be a bit of a rip off of a few other musical films that have come along in the past 10 or so years. I was right in my assumption. This movie is basically just a mix of Showgirls, Cabaret (including a role played by Alan Cumming, from an excellent Broadway revival in 1998) & Chicago. It’s a cheesy movie, indeed, but I have to admit that I don’t hate it. The funny thing is, as soon as this number was halfway through, as I was crying from the emotion that it brought up in me, I paused the movie, grabbed my laptop & began to write. This song inspired me, it reminded me that I may be down, but am by no means out! I just had to get these words out of my head, had to express myself creatively, as a reminder to myself that I do, in fact, still have some sort of talent & that I MUST continue to follow my dream, no matter the cost. So I write.

I realize that my move to Los Angeles was not an easy one. I took a huge risk in walking away from my comfort zone to pursue my passion. I have many times considered packing it in & moving back to Detroit. Every time that happens though, I am reminded why I came here, what is NOT waiting for me back in Detroit & what I must do to look myself in the mirror every day. I have to stay. I have to fight. I have to succeed. I’ll never forgive myself if I just give this up, like I’ve with most other things in my life so far. Now is the time to break that cycle & tap into my drive, my motivation, my desire & need to create art, in whatever form it comes out of me. I need to finish what I started for once in my life.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say, in a VERY roundabout & scattered way is……

…….You haven’t seen the last of me!


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Filed under Blogging, Life, Music, Opinions, Real Life, Writing

Song of the day

Waiting for my real life to begin~Colin Hay

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
I’ll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don’t you understand
I already have a plan
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I’m walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I’ll check my machine, there’s sure to be that call
It’s gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It’s just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don’t you understand
I already have a plan
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

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Filed under Music

Beautiful Disaster

I heard this song for the first time tonight & it really touched me on a personal level. This does happen to me all the time, I must admit, but that is due to the fact that music plays an extremely important role in my life.

It’s hard to admit that I would prefer to be in a relationship if given the choice. The issues that I have with it are many, but not the ones a person would generally think of. Let me break it down for you.

  • I have never looked for or even felt the need to seek out a relationship. It’s just not how I’m wired.
  • I am not a 25 year old girl anymore, hell, I’m not even a 35 year old girl anymore. Most guys my age want their women young, so they can feel younger, vibrant, desired or whatever other reason they come up with. (babies)
  • I understand what it feels like to not be seen as “beautiful” in a traditional sense, or by the standards society forces upon us. I am unique. I am quirky. I am not a “pretty girl”, but oh, how I’d LOVE to find a man who thinks I am.

I am mortified of the pain that often accompanies opening your heart to someone. I am by no means alone in this fear or the feeling. I have been cheated on, emotionally abused & even had a lover die. The pain of these losses & betrayals was almost enough to close down my heart forever, but as you know by now, I’m far too optimistic to allow myself to give up completely. That being said, I’m not one to try.

Recently, I met someone that I am interested in getting to know better. I have even made an actual effort to contact him & let him know I like him. Maybe one of the reasons I like him so much is that he is too busy to even hang out with me. It’s safer if it never actually happens, right? Strange thing is…..I actually want to spend time with this guy & get to know him. I want to see if there really is something between us. I want to try. I’m not used to this at all, but this time, it’s not up to me.

We’ll see….

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Filed under Dating, Life, Music, Real Life, Relationships, Single Life, Writing

Sing This All Together

As the end of this Lilith Fair journey nears, I have many emotions about the experience. Of course there is the excitement of seeing loved ones that I haven’t seen in months, but there are others as well.
One thing I am feeling is a sense of sadness at leaving the road. I do love it out here so. I may be on a tour that travels at a fairly fast pace, so I don’t see all the cities we visit, but when I do, it’s a wonderful experience. I have a feeling I’ll be out again soon though.

Another thing I have been thinking about is how used to & quite fond I’ve become of my bus family. They are a beautiful group of individuals who I was lucky enough to be paired with on our home for the summer, bus 8, or Tonya, as our driver Chris has named her.
There are other friends that I have made on the tour that I will miss, who I hope to stay in touch with or maybe even work with again. There are also people I will not miss & hope the best for them, but don’t wish to have in my life. I’m not a fan of dishonest or two-faced people, so it will be nice to step away from other peoples drama.
I’m sure I’ll have it in me to write more extensively about the tour one I’m home, but for now I just wanted to share what I’m feeling today, in Hartford, second to last show on Lilith Fair, an experience in which I will never forget.

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Filed under Friendship, Life, Music, Travel

On with the Show

All 10 production buses pulled out of the parking lot of the PNE Coliseum at exactly 2 am. It was time to get the show on the road. After 2 weeks of pre-production, it’s time to put it all to the test. So begins 7 weeks of long, grueling days & beautiful music. Goodbye for now Vancouver. See you in 7 days.

When I woke up in my bunk at 9:30 am, with the bus still in motion, I felt not only refreshed, but excited as well, because I could feel that the tour had really begun. As I walked into the front lounge of the bus, I was overtaken with the beauty of Glacier National Park surrounding us from all angles. I can truly understand now why Canadians are so proud of their country. I sat in awe in the rumble seat at the front of the bus for a good hour’s time before I even thought to grab my camera.

At first, I was only taking pictures with my phone, but that proved annoying & more time consuming than if I was just to run back & grab my camera, so I did. Once I had my camera turned on, I just let the moment dictate what I photographed, which was mostly everything. There were beautiful white cap mountains all around us, as well as cliffs mere inches from the side of the bus. Cutting through & around the mountains were beautiful aqua colored streams & rivers. The wildlife here is amazing & not at all afraid of the flowing traffic on the roads beside their home. I saw not only Canadian deer, which do look quite a bit different than the ones in Michigan, but was also able to see 5 Big Horned Sheep. They were amazing, standing & walking literally right next to the road. I wasn’t able to photograph them, unfortunately. Hopefully on the way from Edmonton back to Vancouver.

A couple of hours after I woke up, we ran into an area of construction where the crew had the entire eastbound side closed for through traffic. We all began to step out of our buses, to stretch our legs, take in the beauty all around us & talk amongst each other. We ended up there for quite a while, which was just fine with us. Many of us broke out with our cameras & video cameras, taking photos of the mountains around us & each other. A few of us from bus 8 did some yoga on the side of the road, while also photographing each other doing so. It was not only fun, it was refreshing & felt wonderful, breathing in the fresh Canadian mountain air. Seth, our bus captain & sponsor tour coordinator, and myself began throwing rocks from the road to a nearby stream. After nearly ten tries, I was finally able to sink a few rocks into the stream. I felt accomplished….yes, it sounds silly, but I have always prided myself on having a good arm. This was also a good time to collect a couple stones & I found three lovely ones that I washed off & added to the bag.

A few of the buses, including ours, stopped at a fueling station to fill up the buses & for us to use the washrooms. Yes, I’m using the Canadian terminology. As we were there, a light rain began to fall….it felt so good, so clean. I may just be imagining the difference in this world versus the one I’m used to living in, but I don’t believe that I am.

As I type this, we are approximately 90 miles from Calgary, where we will check into our hotel for the next 2 days, before our show on Sunday. Already, I can tell the difference between British Columbia & Alberta, at least along this route, as it becoming less mountainous & instead looks hilly, then turns into flatter land, with the mountains fading into the background. There is just something so wonderful about fresh air; trees & wide open land that makes me feel alive, as if in a different world. Out the left window of the back lounge, I just saw a field of brown cows, on the right is a stream. It’s a different kind of beautiful than driving across the United States. It looks different. It feels different. For all my rambling about how I have a hard time seeing Canada as a foreign country, seeing that I grew up with it next door, this trip is opening my eyes to the reality that Canada is clearly different than the United States in so many ways.

I have had the most wonderful time in the 6 days I have spent on the west coast of Canada so far & I don’t see that changing at any point during the times we’ll spend here during the tour. I look forward to every adventure coming my way & will do my very best to keep up on the blog, so I can have written memory of this tour.

Next stop……Calgary, AL


Filed under Blogging, Life, Music, Travel, Writing