Category Archives: Relationships

On the subject of marriage & children

 

I feel I must preface this post due to the possible backlash from those who may read this the wrong way. This is my bog. They are my stories, my feelings. I am not talking about anyone else specifically unless I say I am!

Why don’t more people decide what would be best for their children before they get pregnant? I’ve never been able to figure that out. It’s as if they just want to spawn, regardless of their personal circumstances, the person they choose to have a child with or their financial situation.

Take a look around almost anywhere you go these days & you’ll see frustrated mothers with kids at every turn. They scream at & beat on them at the grocery store. They allow them to run around outside without shoes, let alone supervision. I’ll never understand people when it comes to their practices of having/raising children or of multiple marriages.

That being said….I haven’t even touched on my issues where these topics are concerned.

When it comes to marriage, mine wasn’t so much a conscious choice as not becoming a mother was. I, like many people in America, come from a broken family, well multiple broken families. My father alone has been married to 4 women. It’s as if he never learned how to date. I do respect his undying belief in love, but come on…4 wives? My mom is a completely different story of choosing the wrong men & I am NOT in the mood to get into that this morning.

So, what I did was purposely date boys/guys/men who either didn’t believe in marriage at all or who had serious commitment & other issues. That way, I knew I would never have to worry about going down that road. Okay, so maybe that’s a cop out. I was completely afraid of marriage, or any serious relationships for that matter. I have never been in a relationship longer than 2 1/2 years. Talk about fear of commitment.

Where having a child is concerned, that story is a little more confusing, a little sadder. I wasn’t that child who dreamed of being a mommy. As I got older though, I did start to think that it would be wonderful, to create a life inside you & then help guide them to become the adult they were meant to be. That being said….the very thought scared me beyond words. Being responsible for another humans life? Shaping & guiding them? Well…..I was sure to screw that up! How could I live with myself knowing that I was responsible for destroying someones life just because they were born of me. I went down that road, but as the child.

As I’ve gotten older, the want to be a mother grew stronger, as did wrong choices in men. Not a single guy I dated would even discuss the idea of having a child. Then again, looking back, I would have been a moron to have a kid with some of those assholes! Once the feeling started inside me, it never actually went away.

Sadly, time makes it more difficult to carry a baby & I’m not really sure I’d want to be that old mom. Besides that, obviously if you read my blog you know, I’m still not in the proper mental state to have a child.

I guess some people just aren’t meant to have children of their own. However, if they’re lucky, they still get to be surrounded by amazing children of other people & make an impact. There may also be the chance to become the step-mom to an amazing boy someday….we’ll see.

 

Nobody’s Wife or Mother & that’s just fine ❤

 

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Home Sweet Home

It’s an amazing thing, how desperate, lost, alone & scared a person can feel when they’re separated by distance from their loved ones, all that they know, what they grew up with, their support system, their comfort zone. It is a brave & passionately driven person, or a fool, that takes this leap of faith. I am one of those people. I have yet to figure out if I’m the brave one or the fool. Maybe I’m a bit of both, who knows.

Last week I wasn’t sure, once again, how I was going to survive the day. Today I find myself on a 5 day layover in my hometown of Detroit, before beginning a month-long program in Washington, DC. It boggles my mind how quickly things change. I don’t know why it still boggles my mind, as it’s happened SO many times during my life, that one would think I’d be used to it by know. Well….I’m not!

The main thing I’ve noticed since I arrived late last night is that the heavy weight on my chest, the constant state of panic & fear I had lived in, the utter solitude & sadness that brought up in me….is gone. I’m home. I’m surrounded in every direction by love. I have so many people who want to share time with me while I’m here that I unfortunately don’t have enough time to accommodate all of them, unless I was to group some of them together in one place. I’m not sure if that’s possible, but I’m willing to try.

At the same time, that in itself is overwhelming to me. I’m tired, run out, worn out, slightly broken from all that I’ve gone through in the past months. In a way, I just want to rest. Reading that last sentence, it makes me shake my head. Isn’t that what I’ve done for weeks now? Months? Why would I want to continue that behavior when I’m surrounded in love? I need to recharge, let those who know & love me remind me of who & what I really am, as opposed to what I believe I’ve become. This could be extremely healthy for me in moving forward on my visions, my goals, my dreams, my need to create something for myself that will fulfill the want in me to be & do something great, whatever that may be.

There is one aspect of Detroit, of home, that tears at my heart. There is someone, a person who has owned the real estate in my heart since the day I met him. No matter what we do, where our paths take us in life, we always gravitate back to each other. What I wouldn’t give to have this person as my life long partner in crime. What wouldn’t I do? I have never stopped loving him. In fact, I don’t believe I’ve even ever fallen out of love with him. Things are complicated, but I’m willing to do what is needed to see our lives come back together, so we may enjoy the rest of our time on this spinning rock together. I guess I accepted years ago that it may not be a possibility, yet, if that were truly the case, would the universe continue to bring us back into each others orbit repeatedly? I don’t find it possible the universe could be so cruel as to dangle my one true love in my face over & over again, just to taunt & hurt me. I feel there is something greater at work. I feel that we’re being told that it is in each other that we will find our comfort, our partner, our home. If only he would see that this is the case & take, once & for all, that giant leap of faith needed to make this our permanent reality. I’ve done & said all that I have in me to let him know that if he took the chance, he would not be disappointed. It’s on him now to decide if he is strong enough to make this come true.

I hope he does!

If he doesn’t & this love affair never sees itself rekindled, I will endure. I have managed to make it this far, I can make a life for myself without the man. I just know that my heart wants him to be beside me through this adventure. But if he chooses not to take that journey with me, I’m still going to take it & he will always own a large piece in my heart.

Okay, I’m off to sleep. I need to rest up for 5 day long love fest that lays before me. How lucky am I?

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Emotional Rescue

I was having a conversation with one of my closest girlfriends back in Detroit today, about our concerns for a couple of our married guy friends & the way they are, in different ways, ruining the lives they wanted so badly now that they have them. Only this time, as we were talking, it turned towards our own lives, how neither of us could understand how a person can want something so badly, only to be miserable once they have it. It truly makes no sense to either of us. These guys are literally the greatest guys we have ever known, yet they don’t see it. I never did understand the concept of wanting something you can’t have & once you do get it, you don’t want it anymore. Or allowing yourself to be lost in someone else, caving to their needs, their insecurity, their unhappiness, in spite of your own needs, wants & desires. I just think it’s stupid & a waste of time. I mean, why even bother if you’re going to throw it all away once you find something or someone who makes you feel good, makes you smile, makes you look forward to spending time with them, getting to know them, even their weird habits & quirks?

At a certain point in the conversation I finally said out loud for the first time in ages that I don’t like the idea of spending my life alone, that I would prefer to spend it with a good man, someone who gets me, who actually likes me, who thinks I’m pretty as well as funny or sexy. That appears to be a far-fetched expectation. First of all, I don’t attract those types of guys. I attract the broken guys, the closed off guys, the cruel, addicted & lost. So, what exactly does this mean for me?

I’m 40 fucking years old! When did that even happen? Why don’t I feel it? When will I be able to wrap my brain around this fact & accept it already? How did I miss out on EVERY good thing a person is meant to experience in life? I seriously feel like I’ve been in a coma since I was a child & I’m just waking up, feeling really groggy & confused. I have been so filled with fear for as long as I can remember that I have missed out on milestones & important moments that most people experience like high school prom, graduation (which I attended to watch my friends graduate, crying the whole time), a real college experience, marriage, children. I may have a genius level IQ, but I didn’t even complete grade 9! I did, however, receive my GED at 20 years old & considering the wild child I was at the time, it is a fact that I am extremely proud of!

I was speaking with a guy recently & he asked me if I had ever been married, to which I replied honestly “no, I just never got around to it”. He laughed, guess he thought it was a joke, but it was true. It’s just another thing I never allowed myself. Same thing with my not having children. I just couldn’t do it, no matter that I know with complete confidence that I would have been a loving & wonderfully patient mother. Oh well, chalk it up with the rest of the things I’ll never know or feel. When you grow up seeing every possible bad thing that can happen in a marriage or of being a parent, it does tend to scare you away from making these mistakes yourself.

Sure, I’ve lived a life of adventure, so to speak, but if you really look at it, I’ve actually lived the life of a carny, a gypsy, moving from town to town, never putting down roots & always just passing through. It’s a life that suits me for one reason & one reason only. It allows me to keep living in the fear. It allows me to keep from being hurt AGAIN. It allows me to hide my pain, my sadness, my broken heart, my complete loneliness. I realized today, while talking to my friend that I am SO lonely that all I really want is a guy to hold me, brush my hair out of my face & kiss my forehead. Simple, sincere affection. Again, it seems too much for me to ask. I suppose that’s what I get for spitting in the face of opportunity for so many years. I’ve watched my entire life pass me by like a moving train & now I want it back! I want to feel what other people get to feel. I want to feel love, without the fear of being betrayed or being left behind to mourn their death far too young & before we were even given the chance to start the life we planned. I want to feel safe. I want to feel desired. I want to feel……..anything!

The brain has an amazing way of protecting us from going completely insane. It blocks out the most painful of events. Considering the stuff I’m stuck remembering, it frightens me to think that some day the periods of time I don’t remember could come rushing back & cause me to snap. I realize that at the age of 40 I should be over all the bad that has happened in my life. I believe that I have done amazingly well considering. I have a good relationship with both of my parents now & it feels normal for the first time in my life. It took a lot to get here, on all our parts. I had to break the cycle, jump out of the hamster wheel, someone had to!

Not that long ago, I watched a great documentary of Carrie Fisher‘s one woman show “Wishful Drinking“. At some point, early in the show I believe, she said “If my life wasn’t funny, it would just be true”. When she said that, I burst into hysterical tears, because I understood that sentence to its very core. A lot of what I’ve survived is funny to me now, because I lived through it, I survived it, I didn’t allow it to totally break me. Don’t get me wrong, I am slightly broken. I am damaged. I am scarred. But I’m still here, so there’s still time to make the best of every day, right? That’s where my surprising optimism comes in.

Look at it this way. If 75% of your life was difficult, traumatic, painful, sad, frightening…if you were molested at the age of 4 by a group of young boys who you were left in the care of, then taunted & teased for several years after, not even being able to understand what had happened, let alone why you were being teased; if you walked in on a man beating your mother nearly to death & then have the gun he was using to torture her with pointed at your head while you called the cops on him at the age of 14 & you then found yourself living on the streets of Detroit, being raped because you chose the wrong house to pass out drunk &/or stoned in more than once, having to figure out for yourself how to survive on a daily basis, because home wasn’t a pleasant or safe option with either parent; if you were a ward of the state at the age of 15, taken in by your grandmother, for the second time, who didn’t know how to deal with your actions & were then expelled from school & sent to a special ed school because you couldn’t relate to anyone else your own age or even stay in a single class because you were too restless; if you kept running away at every opportunity, never realizing it was you that you were trying to escape; if you OD’d at the age of 17 & had to force yourself to stay alive, because no one around you would help or take you to a hospital….wouldn’t you want to have as many good years as you possibly could have before it was all over? It is truly all I want. Sadly, these are only a few examples of the pain & horror I have experienced the entire time I have been alive. I try to remind myself that there are people who have had it MUCH worse than me, but it really isn’t any consolation. It just makes me sad for those people, because I know what real pain feels like & the fact that I am an extreme empath makes my heart ache for all those who have been damaged in their lives.

My dreams are very simple, yet so difficult to achieve, mostly because I have no idea how to go about attaining this. I am ill-equipped at completely opening up to someone & trusting that they won’t be disgusted or repulsed by me & my experiences. I have mastered, for the most part, my disguises, my masks that I wear to hide the sadness & shame. On the occasions like I wrote about last night, I freeze. I shut down. I considered running out the door of the coffee shop where we were talking at least 3 times, not because of anything he was or wasn’t doing, but because he could see right through my walls, my mask & it scared the hell outta me. So what do I do? I make it a point to freak him out, scare him away….so I don’t have to see him again & risk letting him in. Now I actually regret that. It is beyond rare that someone can see through to the real me. I had the possibility of having a new friend in my life that I wouldn’t have to hide all my deep, dark secrets from. I could tell I would have been able to open up to & be honest with this guy & he wouldn’t judge me at all. Now, there is just a guy walking around Los Angeles freaked out by the thought of running into me. That fucking sucks! It makes me feel like shit! But I won’t do anything at all. I won’t attempt to change his mind or contact him. If I do see him around town, I’ll do my best to make sure that he doesn’t notice me & if he does, I’ll get myself out of whatever place we both happen to be in. I’m too ashamed to handle it any other way. This is one of those cases where I wish I could get a do over, even if I’m not sure I would do better the second time, but something in me feels the need to make it right. I fucking like the guy, damn it. Believe me, I don’t want to, but I do. I like that he could see me. I just wish I could have felt it in that moment.

What I do know for certain is I can’t sit around & throw myself a pity party. I hate that! I write this out so I can not only get these thoughts out of my head, but to attempt to leave them here, so I can keep moving forward in life. This blog is my sanctuary of truth, confession & hope. It provides me a place to let my deepest thoughts & fears out, so that I can let the good in. I know good things are coming my way…I just have to be open to it & not run & hide.

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Beautiful Disaster

I heard this song for the first time tonight & it really touched me on a personal level. This does happen to me all the time, I must admit, but that is due to the fact that music plays an extremely important role in my life.

It’s hard to admit that I would prefer to be in a relationship if given the choice. The issues that I have with it are many, but not the ones a person would generally think of. Let me break it down for you.

  • I have never looked for or even felt the need to seek out a relationship. It’s just not how I’m wired.
  • I am not a 25 year old girl anymore, hell, I’m not even a 35 year old girl anymore. Most guys my age want their women young, so they can feel younger, vibrant, desired or whatever other reason they come up with. (babies)
  • I understand what it feels like to not be seen as “beautiful” in a traditional sense, or by the standards society forces upon us. I am unique. I am quirky. I am not a “pretty girl”, but oh, how I’d LOVE to find a man who thinks I am.

I am mortified of the pain that often accompanies opening your heart to someone. I am by no means alone in this fear or the feeling. I have been cheated on, emotionally abused & even had a lover die. The pain of these losses & betrayals was almost enough to close down my heart forever, but as you know by now, I’m far too optimistic to allow myself to give up completely. That being said, I’m not one to try.

Recently, I met someone that I am interested in getting to know better. I have even made an actual effort to contact him & let him know I like him. Maybe one of the reasons I like him so much is that he is too busy to even hang out with me. It’s safer if it never actually happens, right? Strange thing is…..I actually want to spend time with this guy & get to know him. I want to see if there really is something between us. I want to try. I’m not used to this at all, but this time, it’s not up to me.

We’ll see….

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What Is Love?

The idea of dating in Los Angeles fills me with dread. When I first began considering a move here, there was an emotional motive behind it. My initial plan was largely based around rekindling a relationship with someone who lived here. 11 months ago today all my plans were changed when he passed away & yet I still made the choice to move here. Something in me decided that moving here was still a good idea. For the most part, I am happy with my choice, except when it comes to the idea of meeting & connecting with someone.

I went on a (kind of, but I wouldn’t have called it that) date for the first time in over a year last weekend. I must say I was NOT at my best. None of my wit, humor or outward personality was showing. I found myself really starting to like him & that freaked me out a LOT. He was attractive, funny, engaging & good with the eye contact, which was a bit intense for me at times. I found myself feeling a little intimidated by him even. I’m sure this guy was not only bored out of his mind, but also asking himself how he could remove himself from the situation as quickly as possible. I don’t blame him. While I really enjoyed talking to him, I was mortified by my shyness, mainly because I am not a shy person, but occasionally I find myself reacting this way towards guys I’m digging. There were so many thoughts running through my head, but I couldn’t put them into words, even when he asked me what was on my mind. Every time he leaned towards me my hands began to sweat & I got a little tingly. That would have been cool if I hadn’t retreated into myself as much as I did. Needless to say, I haven’t really talked to him since & I am by no means surprised, nor do I have any animosity for the guy. He’s a busy person anyway & I highly doubt I made a good first impression. Oh well.

As Valentine’s Day creeps up on me I am doing everything I can to fill every moment of that day so it doesn’t affect me. I truly dislike that stupid so-called holiday. Why are people so easy to manipulate? Think about it, a greeting card company needed a gimmick in order to make money during the mid-winter lull, so they come up with this day of planned romance. Isn’t it supposed to be more spontaneous? Why flowers, cards & chocolate? Who knows, maybe I feel that way because I am single, but honestly I don’t think so. Even times when I was in a relationship during this time of year I didn’t find myself all caught up in the idea of the day. I prefer to be loving & somewhat romantic on a regular basis. I like the idea of a card just because, for no real reason other than to say “hey, you’re cool, I dig you”. Whatever, I’m rambling now.

I am still optimistic about the idea of feeling real, lasting & mutual love. I have to be. I firmly believe that we are the masters of our own destiny. If we believe bad things are going to happen to us, they will. This works both ways. My choice is to be positive & optimistic. What can I say, I’m a woman. I like the idea of looking into a mans eyes & feeling butterflies in my stomach. I like the idea of lying on a sofa watching a movie with someone, talking about anything, laughing & all the other fun stuff that goes along with sharing time with someone.

Leela James did a cover of the Foreigner song “I Wanna Know What Love Is” & whenever it comes up on my iPod it brings me to tears. I can relate so much to the emotion in her voice; it expresses what I’m going through so completely. Sometimes being a woman really sucks! If a man speaks up about wanting to find love, he is seen as a wonderful & romantic guy. If a woman speaks up about wanting to find love, she is seen as desperate & needy. Why is that? I am not a fan of double standards. I am also extremely tired of hiding my true desires behind my defensive walls. Why can’t we just be totally honest with what we want in our lives? Why is the idea of a woman who knows what she wants so frightening to men? I am tired of pretending that I don’t yearn for love. I just don’t see what is so wrong with it. Don’t misunderstand me; I really am fine with myself. I have no problem with being by myself, or spending time alone. I quite enjoy it, actually. That being said, I still would prefer to share my life with a man who is open to finding love himself.

 

Blah, blah, blah……man, I need to find a tour to distract myself from all this damn thinking! Or maybe I should just do what so many people out here seem to do to fill this hole & get a pet or four…..hmm

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Stupid Girl

My so-called fairy tale has always seemed to be covered by an extremely dark storm cloud. My early life resembled a Tim Burton film in it’s darkness. Having known no other way of life, how was I to know when I was 15 years old, from the moment that I locked eyes with him, that I should have run as fast I could in the other direction?

At the age of 15, a girl is ill equipped at being rational, especially if she already has a shattered heart & darkened soul. When I was 15, I had already distanced myself from childhood, yet I was completely naive to the ways of the heart. I was caught entirely off guard when I saw him for the first time, driving a moped through the courtyard of my high school, then again at a party, before I was expelled from my high school & sent to a special ed school for the most troubled kids in the area. I wasn’t expecting to see those eyes peering at me through the window of my classroom on my first day at that nightmare of a supposed school. It was, in my opinion, more of a daycare for the baddest & most troubled kids, which I guess included me. I had never experienced anything like I felt when I saw him….nor have I felt that feeling, thankfully, again. I foolishly mistook that feeling for love at first sight, and not what it was…..a strong intuition inside of me to avoid this person, as he would be the one person who would break my heart worse than anyone who would followed him.

Jason was the most beautiful boy I had ever seen. His shining blue eyes captivated me, drew me in & stole my heart. I was awestruck by him & looking back at it now, it makes me chuckle, because he was just a skinny, pale boy with long brown hair & these piercing eyes. He was so dark, so guarded….that he seemed “cool”, when in fact, he was just frightened. By the end of the first day I was his fool, although he had no idea, as I wasn’t necessarily the type of girl to chase or throw myself at anyone. From the beginning, he was brutal, surrounded by a solid brick wall reinforced with concrete & mortar.

What is it about the ones who are closed off the most that seem so appealing that we have to have them? Why do insist on going after the things & people in life that are the worst for us? At what point are we supposed to learn the lessons laid out for us by our parents & why isn’t it when we are still young & horribly impressionable?

By day 3, we traded each others virginity……which, by the way, was a typically awkward act of two 15 year old’s who had no clue what we were doing. We knew nothing of intimacy. We had no business doing what we were doing. It was not a pleasant experience, to say the least. To be fair, the act was merely cold, it was the aftermath that permanently scarred me. I have shared this story with a few people in my life, but until this moment I have never taken the bold step of putting it on the internet for the world (right) to see. It is both shameful to me & disgusting on his part…..but in reading this, I ask the reader to keep in mind that this was an extremely troubled & broken 15-year-old boy. He had no idea what he was doing or the lifelong ramifications of his words & actions. The day of the consummation was a Friday & the next day we attended a Black Sabbath concert with some friends, so we spent the majority of the weekend together. I was by all accounts totally lost in him. When we returned to school on Monday, what I saw taped to the wall above the door of our classroom turned the world around me into a blur of nothingness. It is important to point out that this school was comprised of 58 boys & 3 girls. That ratio was overwhelming in & of itself. As I walked into the room, the boys burst into hysterical laughter. I immediately knew what they were laughing about, I just didn’t know why. One of them pointed at me & yelled “there she is now”. I turned to look behind me & noticed the drawing above the door. It was a crude drawing of a females legs & genital area. There appeared to be some sort of green goo coming out of the girl…..with vapors drifting from said goo. Apparently, it was meant to be a drawing of me, of my private area & the insinuation was that I had a malodorous body. This was the most humiliating experience of my life.

I was an insecure child & my soul was irreparably damaged. I still carry the scars of that action to this day. I have worked for years to overcome it & have only within the last year come to terms with the fact that this action was more about his insecurity & personal issues than it was about me. That was impossible to see at the time. I think the true sickness of this story is that even after that I still allowed him to be in my life for 5 more years.

There are many things that happened during that 5 year period, some of which I refuse to discuss. I can say that there were plenty of drugs floating around & we were both consumed by them to differing extents. Jason was becoming consumed by his addictions & I was as well, I guess, as I was not able to deal with any aspect of my life sober at that time. The thought of all I subjected myself to during this time breaks my heart. After the beginning of the next year Jason was sent away for the mounting legal troubles he found himself in. I made it a point to spend as much time as I could with him before he left, because he would be gone for 18 months, which was a lifetime as a teenager & I was, for some stupid reason, completely in love with him. Man, the money I could spend on a therapist!

Years later I was having a conversation with Jason’s younger brother, who told me that what he remembered most of our teen years was how terribly Jason treated me during that time. What a fool I must have appeared to be.

I wrote him faithfully while he was away, even though his response letters tore my heart out with their questions of love, why I felt that way, what it meant & how I could feel it towards him. I had no clue that he was feeling the same way about me, yet was beyond frightened to let me in. He refused my continued requests to visit him, because he didn’t want me to see him in that environment & looking back now, I can understand that.

The day he was released & came home, I immediately went to see him. I remember standing in his basement bedroom at his grandparents house, filled with joy to see him & just know he was back home again. When he attempted to talk me into having sex with him, I think I literally laughed at him. First, his grandmother was in the kitchen above us & in fact yelled down to us more than once. Secondly & what he had blocked from his memory was the very real memory to me of our first time around. I said it was something I couldn’t do & he stepped back, looked at me & said he completely understood. He didn’t bring it up again.

A couple years later, he was planning to move out of the area, to live with a new girlfriend that he had. The night before he left, as he was staying with a mutual friend, I had decided that I wanted to spend that night with him, as well as our friend & Jason’s mom, who I was very close to. She was also moving up north the next morning. It was a surreal night, to say the least. Again, there are details that I have to leave out, but after Jason’s girlfriend had gone to sleep, he came out of the bedroom & we were all hanging out, laughing, talking, drinking, smoking & at a certain point he corners me in the kitchen, pinning me up against the stove. He started asking me the strangest questions for someone who’s girlfriend was asleep in the next room, such as “what are we?” “what is this thing between us?”

Honestly, I had no correct answers, so I just said it was nothing, we were friends & that he should go back to his girlfriend. The next morning, as I waved them off & said my goodbyes, it felt as though my heart was dying. I feared I would never see him again, although, had I been a clear thinking girl I would have been comforted by that thought. I didn’t see him again for 20 years, until last June.

Damn those social networking sites! Jason never left my heart or my mind in those 20 years. He haunted me. Of course, as many of us do, I would periodically look up his name on the websites. One night, a couple years ago, I ran across his younger brother & began to talk with him a bit here & there. He had told me that Jason was living in Florida & that stuck with me. Not long after that I moved to Florida & even looked him up. I did find what city he was living in & nearly drove out there one day, but halfway through the drive my wits got the better of me & I turned around, writing the thought off. Then, in February of 2009 I found a Facebook account that had been set up for Jason. I sent a friend request & an email. I didn’t get a response, so I forgot about it.

One day, as I was sitting in a digital imaging class at the local community college, I decided to check my Facebook account, as I often did. There, glaring at me from my inbox, was a message from Jason, saying that he was in town & that if I wanted to get together to give him a call. He left a number. Instead, I chose to write him back, but within 10 minutes I was standing outside the school talking to him on the phone. He asked me if I would like to meet him at an old friends house & I was 15 again. I went back into class, collected my belongings & went home to change for the momentous occasion. A couple of hours later & pulled in to the friends driveway & there, standing against the house, was Jason….older, aged…..but still beautiful & all the emotions came rushing back to me at once. I found myself hugging him & feeling as if I was in love all over again. What a disastrous situation.

We all had a lot of fun talking & catching up. I could tell Jason was interested or attracted…something & by midnight he was kissing me by the fire pit. What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking, I was caught up, lost in him once again, just as I had been 20 years earlier. We spent his vacation together & by the time he went home he was trying to convince me to come down to the town in Florida where he lived, to see if I liked it & may be interested in moving there. The next week on a break between training for & activation of Warped Tour I flew down to Florida for 4 days, including my birthday.

I could hear a bit of apprehension in his voice, but I ignored it & went anyway. It was a strange, slightly awkward, but overall fun visit. By the time I left, I had already made my decision to move down there when the tour was over. There were signs everywhere, like completely ignoring me one of the days I was down there, not even answering his phone. I brushed the doubt away & left for my tour.

After I got back home we had decided that he would fly up here to spend some time before we drove down to Florida in my car, together. Again, from the moment he arrived, the signs were everywhere. I went to the airport to pick him up, but he was nowhere to be found. His brother had called me & we were talking when I realized that he had somehow either skipped his flight, which I had paid for, or had left with someone else. His brother was concerned, so he called him. I had also called him a few times, but he ignored my calls. He answered for his brother & he was informed that I was at the airport & where was he. He said that his buddy had figured out he was coming & somehow magically found out his flight information & picked him up without it being planned. Another bullshit story. Man, seriously, looking back, I really should have known better, but he was/is my kryptonite. I wanted this so badly that I couldn’t see the blinding signs in front of my face.

After two really nice weeks together up here, we began our journey to Florida. As we were getting into the car, saying our goodbyes to family & as we were pulling away, I felt this impending sense of doom. I decided it was just my fear taking control of me. Jason became more tense the closer we got to Florida. I found this odd, but my blind side chalked it up to jitters of us starting a new life & relationship. Little did I know……that very first night, he left me alone in the hotel we had rented until we found our own place.

Fast forward 2 months…..too many voice mails later, too many nights alone later & naked pictures of his supposed “ex-girlfriend” on his phone from the night before later……I left. I left because the mounting evidence against Jason & his “former” girlfriend of 5 years, Courtney, had in fact never broke up & he had juggled the two of us for months, not very well, I might add. It was good enough for Courtney to buy it though, because she was knocked to the ground & a bit shattered when I emailed her, explaining our story & that we had been living together. I left him as soon as I got a response from her, confirming my suspicions. I have been hurt before. I have been cheated on before. I have been betrayed before, but nothing had ever felt like the utter humiliation I felt for being duped in such grand fashion. To be fair to myself, I sensed it all along. Every time I would bring it up, he would come up with some excuse, even when I found out where she lived & drove by her house at 2am one night, only to find his truck in the driveway next to her car. I know, it was a little stalkerish, but I didn’t stop, only took a picture, so I could show him later. That lie was brilliant. I never did believe it though & that’s when I shut down.

I was out of money at this point, as I had supported him for the past 2 months & had to ask my old roommate Chris is I could come stay with him for a while so I could figure out what I was gonna do. It wasn’t the house I had left a year earlier. It was tense & full of drama. I hated being there, but was incredibly grateful to Chris for allowing me to crash. It took me 2 1/2 months to get some money together & came up with the plan to return here. It was the last thing I wanted, well…..second to last thing I wanted. In the end, I am glad I came back, but am anxious to move on to my next adventure.

Recently, Jason mentioned to me yet again, that he really feels that we will still be together & that he planned to stay up here the entire time his grandfather is here for the summer, 60 days were his exact words to me. I have since decided to take a tour for the entire time he will be here, and not subject myself to his lies & betrayals once again. I know for a fact that he & Courtney are still together, so what’s the point? I can’t listen to his drunken tirades anymore about how we’re soulmates & that we’re meant to be together. I’m tired of listening to his lies about how he & Courtney, while they still may be technically together, there is no love or sex involved anymore. I do not want to fall into his trap once again, only to be shattered for a 3rd time. Jason will continue to be a drunk who stays in his co-dependent relationship with this younger girl who doesn’t seem to know or want any better for herself. They can have each other, I’d rather be alone.

It’s time to grow up. It’s time to let go. It’s time to move on. It’s time to say goodbye, so……..

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A Box Of Letters-from 2007 (edited for content)

I fell in love with a box of letters full of empty promises written, but not kept

Shattered dreams, plans never fulfilled

From the moment you walked through those gates toward your freedom

your singular goal was to break me

I remember you asked me once if I could imagine the pain of waiting, hoping, fearing, hurting

for an entire month

Well, I ask you this now……

Can you imagine the pain of sleepless nights

Waiting for the sound of your key fumbling in the lock

The fear of waking next to you, not knowing which version of you it was

The kick in the gut from your consistent character assassinations

The lies, the girls, the drugs, the humiliation……for a year & a half?

See-you never saw in you what I did, guess I was just looking too hard for something I wished was there,

because I sure never saw him, once you got your freedom back.

I fell in love with you like they did back in those poorly, overacted WWII movies

But the reality was 180 degrees different than that fantasy.

Nursing your wounds after bar brawls & gutter falls

Forgiving things unforgivable, ultimate betrayals, deal breakers….time & time again

Allowing you to steal my soul, like a succubus in the night

Let me get this straight….you wouldn’t suck my (!!^

While you sucked away my light

my spirit

my soul

Immature & premature-a combination I could no longer fake enjoyment of

& while we’re on the subject of sex, what there was of it

Short, cold & passionless

No soft fingers caressing my skin into goosebumps

No taking the time to know every inch of each others bodies

Cold & heartless, that’s what I got

I guess it was easier to imagine I was one of the MANY you craved & indulged in.

I grew tired of being your receptacle

Shit, my vibrator cared more about pleasing me than you ever did.

One last question, before I let you go…

If I truly knew you better than anyone, including yourself, how come I could never figure you out?

Anyway, after all is said & done

As the sun sets on our “fairy-tale romance”

The bottom line is simple

I was merely in love with a box of letters

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