On my second day at 25mg of Zoloft & I gotta say it’s getting tougher. I’m really starting to notice some withdrawal symptoms, but I know I can get through this. As I write, my soundtrack is Johnny Cash‘s American Recording collection. It just seems a perfect fit for the way I feel.
I woke up around 5:30am soaking in a cold sweat, with visions of the nightmare I had been in the throes of before I came around. This was one of the creepiest nightmares I’ve ever had. It was literally as if I was dreaming a horror movie, with actors involved & everything. I should have written earlier when it was more central to my thoughts, but I’ll try to recall it now. Hopefully it doesn’t sound TOO crazy, even though it kinda was.
I was visiting a friend’s house, it wasn’t clear who that was, but as I was walking home, I saw a woman shooting & stabbing three people outside of a house I was passing. The people seemed to explode when they died. That was pretty disgusting, but nothing to bad at this point. The woman in question was Juliette Lewis. I imagine she was included because first, she plays an awesome villain, second I subscribe to her tweets & had read some before I went to sleep, so she was in my subconscious. Needless to say, witnessing the murders freaked me out, so I ran the other way, not thinking that she had seen me.
Cut to me in the back seat of a Town Car, being taken to a hotel. I recognized the area as a neighborhood where I used to live, in real life, in Florida. I ended up, somehow, at some house filled with people who I appeared to know, but I have no idea who they were. Things started to get really weird at this point. The people were really odd, they had strange house rules & there were two people who were friends of mine that were also there. These are not friends in real life. Again, they were actors, the guy was Bradley Cooper & the girl was Anna Paquin. Why these two, I haven’t a clue. Apparently I was in some sort of loose relationship with the guy, but at some point he ended up sleeping with the girl, which crushed me. As that was going down, the house & the people in it changed. The scenery of the house began to get darker, scarier & the people turned a bit nasty. This is when Jim Carrey appeared, as a bit of a psychotic guy. I first noticed him sitting at a desk in a dark room, talking to himself. He endeared himself to me about the problem with the friends I was there with. We started talking & soon found ourselves on a sofa. During our talk, I noticed him pull out what looked like a pen from his pocket, but in it was some sort of drug that knocked me out completely. When I came to, I was in a bathtub with Anna, bleeding, in severe pain & scared out of my mind. We were both badly injured, with blood even coming out of our mouths. Neither of us had a clue what had happened & began to cry. In walks Juliette, leading us the a main room of the house.
It turns out that the people in this house were her family, including Jim Carrey. They were, obviously, a highly dysfunctional family. The mom & dad were very abusive. There were 7 children all together. I noticed at this time that Bradley was in the room, also badly beaten & bleeding. We were sat down & for whatever reason I began to talk to them, trying to appeal to their humanity. It was working, to an extent, as they seemed to feel sorry for me, seeing me as more of a victim than the other two. Even Juliette felt this way towards me. That’s when I noticed the sign that was on the wall that said “SLUT”. I looked at Anna & said “Oh look, they have a sign on the wall just for you”. This apparently was the wrong thing to say, because everyone looked at each other & Juliette seemed to become highly agitated at this time, saying “I can’t believe she just said that”. It turns out that this sign was some weird tribute to a dead sister. This is when she grabbed me, took me into another room & began torturing me. She also told me while she was doing this that she had seen me when she was killing the people & that I shouldn’t have been there. She couldn’t let me go, because she felt I would report her. Then, we found ourselves at a WalMart, with the three of us cleaned up, so as not to draw too much attention to ourselves.
After that it gets really foggy, I don’t have any solid memories of the nightmare from here. I think it’s when I began to wake myself up. I was terribly shaken when I woke up & noticed that I was sweating profusely & was very cold. I just laid there for a while, trying to stop shaking from what I had just, virtually, been through. It has stuck with me, but the more time goes by, the less it is affecting me.
I am aware of how insane this all sounds, but it was terribly frightening & realistic. Strange thing is, even during the dream, I found it strange that their were actual actors in this dream state I was in. I have had many nightmares in my life, but nothing this realistic, vivid or frightening. I could feel the fear, I could feel the physical pain inflicted on me. I could feel the emotional fear of being betrayed by the guy I was dating & my friend. I was extremely present in this dream.
I am aware that nightmares & sweats are side effects of coming off these horrible drugs, but I don’t see me sleeping very well for the next couple weeks if this is how it’s gonna be. I am so very tired from only sleeping a few hours & not getting any rest during the time I was sleeping. I sincerely can’t wait until this is past me & I am flushed of these chemicals.
Writing about it really does help. I am glad I have this outlet.
For now, I’m off to attempt a nap. Who knows, I may have another nightmare to write about when I wake up. Here’s to hoping that’s not the case.
Wish me luck, I’m fighting with all I have in me to get through this hell……