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If you lived here, you’d be home by now

Here is a statement I have spent a lot of time pondering lately. Since April I have found myself without a home, but in all honesty that reality stretches back months before.

The last time I remember feeling really truly “at home” was at my sub-leased apartment in Los Angeles. It was also the last time I lived alone. It’s coming up on a year since I left there to return here to my supposed support system.

As soon as I moved back to Michigan I was living in someone elses house. They did, at times, their best to make me feel it was my home as well. Sometimes it did, but not often. Mostly, they treated me like a troubled teen & they were my foster parents. The disturbing fact about this is that they are my age. I love how people use your mistakes to make themselves feel better about their empty or somehow unfulfilled lives. I’ve already told the story of how my time ended there, no need to dredge it back up again.

Then onto the farm, which I have also written about. This is the place where my life nearly ended, by my own choice. As I stared at that bottle of Oxys, thinking about how many it would take to get the job done right, I also thought about Heather & what not only losing me would do to her, but the knowledge that I used her pills to end my life. That is what kept me from going through with it. That was also the only real opportunity I’ve had to end my life by going to sleep & never waking up. What can I say, I’m a pussy. I can’t end my life in violence. I can’t slit my wrists. I can’t shoot myself. I can’t hang or drown myself. This might have something to do with the fact that I actually don’t want to die. I just want a way out of this sinkhole I’ve gotten myself stuck in.

There is no one to blame but me. Sure, people have wronged me & I them. That’s not the point. I’m in charge of me, or supposed to be anyway. I did this. I am the only one who can undo it. Now I just have to figure out how.

Right, I digress, back to the farm. I spent 2 months at this place & slid further into the darkness every day that I was there. It’s easy to do that there. It’s a sad place full of broken people going around in circles. It was the perfect place for me to lose myself. I just didn’t deal with any of my problems, dug the holes deeper & swallowed pills to numb any semblance of emotion. Every day was exactly the same. Sleep 12-14 hours, thanks to the pills. Otherwise I wouldn’t have slept at all. This is also the time that my eating habits became sporadic. I existed on Dr. Pepper & onion bagels.  I have never cared less about anything in my life as I did during that period. I would go 5-7 days without showering. What was the point? Then one day I had to come down to Detroit for an event I was supposed to work.

I needed somewhere to stay over the weekend, so I didn’t have to drive the 60 miles between the farm & Detroit. So I called a guy I used to be able to rely on. He abruptly blew me off, leaving me hanging & stuck. I laid in my car for an hour or so, contemplating whether or not I should contact my friend who lives down here. We have kept in touch, but had not seen much of each other in the years since I had moved away from Detroit. I felt a great deal of guilt as I text her, but the panic I felt at the thought of sleeping in my car in Detroit outweighed the worry of asking her. It was only for the weekend, so it couldn’t be that bad, right? WRONG!

2 days has turned into 2 months & I have become a blob of self-pity, depression & burden on my friends who are also going through very difficult transitional periods in their life, yet still manage to take care of their responsibilities on a daily basis. It fills me with shame & heightens the self-pity. I don’t stack up. I am the giant wart on the thumb of this house. I feel it every moment of every day, unless I have managed to find a way to keep myself busy, doing anything.

When I came here & the initial discussions were that I could stay here while I got myself together, that when I got some money coming in I would contribute. Due to my frozen state, that has yet to happen & I feel the time for me to leave is growing nearer by the minute, rather than the hour. This week is the 1st time I’ve really made a concerted effort to change my circumstances. I am doing it for me, first & foremost yes, but at the same time, because of what these beautiful women have done for & put up with from me, I want to do it for them as well. I want to see in me what they do….SO badly!

So, for today, as I sit on the back porch of this home I’ve grown to love, the only thing I can think to say is….If I lived here, I’d be home by now.

Stay tuned for tomorrows installment. Who knows, it may even be a vlog lol

❤ to all who follow & care!

You don’t know what it means to me, this growing group of people showing an interest in my disaster of a life.

Thank you

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Sister Morphine

….what’s the point really? You give everything you can to those you love. You give your time, your ear, your shoulder, your support, your advice, your love. Then what happens? The very people you put everything on the line for begin to turn on you, in one way or another.

Please don’t misunderstand what I am saying. This is not a self-pity blog. Believe me, I have thrown myself MANY pity parties in my lifetime, but those days are behind me now. I wake up every morning & the first thing I think, well after the “ugh, it’s early, I’m still tired” is how incredibly grateful I am to have in fact woken up that morning. It may have been a difficult lesson to learn, but it is one that I feel strongly about & work on daily.

I have made it very clear in this blog that I am firmly against drug abuse, both legal & illegal. I don’t hide that fact from anyone who knows me. There are many reasons for that. I grew up surrounded by addicts, I have worked & lived in the music industry since I was 18 years old, which has a far too high concentration of addicts in its midst. I struggled as a teenager, with so many things & did try to see if drugs & alcohol could take away the constant pain I was in. I feel blessed & incredibly lucky that these things did not in fact make anything better or go away. In fact, I OD’d at the age of 17. I consider this experience to be the moment that saved my life. Trust me, keeping myself alive that night when everyone around me refused to take me to a hospital was one of the top 3 hardest things I have ever experienced. At the same time, it started a completely different spiral for me. That fight caused my anxiety problem to take over my entire life for the better part of 20 years after that night. I still struggle with anxiety, fear & panic, but now I fight harder, I do more to keep myself calm, I work very hard not to think so much.

Every now & then, in this new blog, I share glimpses into my life. I think it helps anyone reading this to get a slight picture of me, where I’m coming from & why I am as passionate as I am regarding the things I write about. It’s funny that I keep so much of myself inside, because I’ve been told many times by people in my life that I talk way too much. I don’t think they realize this, but that actually hurts my feelings A LOT & makes me want to just keep my thoughts to myself, which is where this blog helps me. If the people who say they love me feel I am too intense, too overwhelming…well, they no longer need to worry about that. My feelings will now be just that, MY feelings. I have no intention of sharing any feelings with anyone that I am not asked to speak on. My answers will also be brief & to the point. I can no longer take having all my flaws shoved in my face on such a regular basis. Do these people really think that I am not aware of my issues & my shortcomings? PLEASE! I remind myself constantly, which is another issue I’m working on.

Back to my original thought. I am the person that is there if a friend or family member is in need, wants advice or just someone to listen to them vent about an issue they’re having. I care so deeply for the people I have chosen to have in my life & when they need me, I’m there, no questions asked.

I mentioned my closest girlfriend in a recent blog. She is struggling with prescription drug addiction. I have made myself completely available to her, when she needs to talk, if she needs help at her house, when she needs to cry about where her life went & how she got where she is. I have also been her 17-year-old daughters confidant, letting her vent her fears & frustrations towards her mother to be. I mostly listen, but do at times offer advice. I have also suggested that we form a united front against her mother’s illness & help get her out, as it is something that she wants & is ready to do.

I have found out in the past couple days that I have been utterly & completely betrayed by the daughter. I have been used, I have been lied to, my words have been twisted around to make me out to be a villain. I’m not even sure if I am in touch with my feelings over this. I have loved & cared for this girl for 17 years. I always thought we had a special bond. My heart is beyond broken, it is shattered. Yet at the same time, I am furious. I don’t want to be in her presence & when I am I can barely talk to her, if at all. Her mother, my friend, has asked me not to confront her, but to help HER help her daughter. I can NOT help this girl if what she has done is not confronted & dealt with first. I know they are mother & daughter & am WAY too reminded that this is a bond that I can’t possibly understand as I am not a parent myself. That in itself is a painful dig, as most who know me realize I would love to be or have been a mother.

If I’m going to be completely honest, with what I am witnessing, I see a long & difficult road ahead, full of pain. I fear I will be pushed away, cut off, tossed aside, disposed of. Why do I give SO much of myself to people who just take it & continue to make me their scapegoat. I have been stuck wearing this title with both my family & friends my entire life. It’s a title I do not deserve & quite honestly, it’s one I done allowing to be. I am not everybody’s bad guy.

I will continue to focus on my goal of drawing attention to the sickness of the publics obsession with celebrity, the lack of REAL news, no political accountability & flashing a HUGE spotlight on drug addiction! These are the things & the people I feel could use the love & support I have to give. This statement in no ways implies that I am soft or any sort of pushover. I am a street wise girl from Detroit. Not much shocks me anymore & it is nearly impossible to get over on me, except in the case of a certain 17 year old girl.

I don’t know what to do about the situation, but I can say that the door is closing & I don’t know if it can be reopened with her if major changes aren’t made IMMEDIATELY!

all love

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